Why Do I Keep Playing Back The Old Tapes Of My Past?
Over the last week I've been revisiting a period in my life I call "The Years Of Regret". It's been a hard week. I cringe as I think about the person I was back then and there's this part of me that really believes I can change the past by revisiting it. Isn't that crazy? But here I am, trying to imagine different endings to lots of regrettable decisions, relationships, etc. Only, there are no different endings and the trail of failures is the same as it always was.
Then comes the self-loathing and shame. Why couldn't I have lived differently? How could I have been so wrong about so many things?
The worst part for me is that I know better! The Gospel has so captivated my heart and changed my perspective that I'm learning to look at myself differently. The Bible tells me that Jesus bore my shame once and for all. It declares that I'm freely accepted by God because of Jesus' work on my behalf. The Gospel announces that I'm no longer defined by my track record of failures. My identity is now anchored in who He says I am - and He calls me His dearly-loved son.
So why do I feel the need to go back and try to undo what can't be undone? It's probably because I struggle to believe that the Gospel is really true...for me. I admit it: Jesus' acceptance just isn't enough for me sometimes. His love feels less-than-real when I'm wallowing in the crap of the past.
My brokenness is more real than I want to admit. I'm way more messed up than I show on the outside. And still, He loves me. He'll never turn from me or cast me aside because of my ridiculous journeys to "The Years Of Regret". He will NEVER withhold His affections for me. I believe that...most days.
God, forgive me for digging around my old grave...